Flaws And All

Last night looked to be a regular stay-at-home Saturday night. Aside from the household chores and checking email, it was a restful day. I vowed to use this weekend to rest, as I’ve not been sleeping well since the break-up. Tonio and I spoke on and off throughout the day. I also spoke to my cousin in North Carolina. We hadn’t spoken since I came out to her over the phone. She was saddened to hear of the break-up. We chatted for about an hour.

Surprisingly there were good movies on TV and it kept my mind occupied. I went over junior’s homework. (It seems 4th grade work has gotten harder since I was in school!-Glad I don’t have to that work now!!) Just as the credits for Back To The Future Part III, came up my phone rang-11:02 PM. I looked at my BlackBerry and it was Antonio. A smile came over my face. I hit the talk button and we chatted while he walked his dog Busta (and smoking a cigarette I’m sure), and headed out with his friends downtown. What could we possibly have to talk about you ask? [Don’t deny it, I heard you think it.] Any and everything. As ‘friends’ we still talk about videos, the latest song, new TV shows coming out this fall, crazy fashion trends (the latest being “skinny jeans”!). Don’t get me started on that, but that’s a whole ‘nother show. The friendship is still there, so there’ll always be something to talk about.

Knowing him, he took the West Side Highway down. Once he got to his destination, we said our goodbyes and I told him to be careful driving back home. It was raining all day and the roads would be slick and in NY people drive like Mario Andretti in any kind of weather. By now it must’ve been about 11:40 PM, I changed channels and found another good movie. Junior knocked off earlier and was sawing wood. I was wide awake. :::side bar::: I’m on medication for recent anxiety attacks (go figure). I’m going nucking futs! I think there are some side effects: hence the insomnia. Lack of appetite is also a side effect, but I’m not sure that’s what attributed to my weight loss. When I’m depressed, I stop eating. I have the desire to eat and crave my favorite foods but once I take a bite or two I don’t want it anymore. Did I mention when I get back to work right away two of my co-workers asked if I ate while on vacation because I’ve lost “so much weight”. While in Florida Tonio mentioned the weight loss. At the time we hadn’t seen in each in practically two weeks. Today during dinner, my brother mentions “What are you doing losing weight”. Enough people have mentioned it so now I need to be concerned and keep an eye out for that. Okay, sorry, I digress. Anyway, I doze on an off throughout the night. At one point I notice the clock reads: 4:40 AM I get up to go the bathroom. I come back and my phone is buzzing. I pick it up, thinking its an email, but it’s a text. Its from Tonio. He lets me know he’s home. I surprise him by responding. We go back and forth a bit then he says to call him if I’m up to it. We speak and he feels bad that I can’t sleep. He invites me to come over so we can both get some sleep. I was not expecting this and did the Scooby Doo, “Ruh, Raggy?”, but jumped at the chance to see him again even if its just to sleep. I woke up my brother, told him I was heading out and to watch keep an eye out for junior in the morning. I quickly got dressed and headed over. As I arrived I felt bad, he had fallen asleep and looked it when he opened the door. I walked in, gave Busta a warm greeting then undressed and got into bed. The familiar smell and feel of him, combined with the heat of his body, in a matter of seconds engulfed me and put me at ease instantly. A few minutes of talking and cuddling and we were asleep. We awoke several hours later. Having both of us gone without intimacy for a while and being only human, our emotions and desire took over and we succumbed to a couple of hours of passion. As always it was intense and much needed for the both of us. At that point I wasn’t thinking about tomorrow, next week or even next month. I was reveling in the moment. I was with this incredible man that I fell in love with over a year and a half ago. Afterwards we talked while he cooked. As the time neared for me to leave we both sensed it and hugged each other several times, and kissed softly on the lips. We realized that in order to take a stab (no pun intended) at remaining friends, the physical aspect may not be such a healthy idea. We also agreed that we are both adults and as long as we’re open and honest with each other, we’ll be okay.


The time was now 4 PM, and I had to be productive in a short amount of time. I hit the supermarket, got some groceries, raced home, hit the laundromat, came home cooked and then I was able to rest.

At the laundromat, I connected with two of my friends. Maria (a friend for more that 20 years) had just come back from Puerto Rico. She was away for the last month and asked how Tonio and I were doing. I told her about the break up and she sounded more devastated than I was. She was a big fan of ‘us’. She said she’s sorry about everything and that she’s in my corner. I was also met with the words "if it's meant to be, it’ll be". (Is there an echo in here?) I told her I was grateful for her support. We then discussed another friend’s upcoming baby shower.
I also connected with Ty (he and I attended high school together). He did the usual check up on me. Wanted to make sure I was okay. I hadn’t told him of the medicine I was on. He hit the roof when I mentioned it! He wanted to come by this evening and have a guy's night out to get my mind off things. I appreciated it, but I didn’t want to go out. I had already been gone most of the day. I needed to get both my son and myself ready for Monday. He assured me he would be checking up on me more often and wanted me to “get out there and know that I still have it going on”. He did it in his best Jennifer Lewis impersonation from Different World. We cracked up. I thanked him for the offer, but really just wanted to chill today. He reluctantly acquiesced. We got on the topic of the baby shower and chatted just up until I was about to leave the laundry and head home.

Today has been great. It’s left me happy and sad but also full of hope and faith, to know that I could be loved flaws and all.







I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I need.

[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]

[Repeat Chorus]