What do you do when your heart is crying?

What do you do when your heart is crying? What a difference a day makes. Today is not a good day for me. As of today, August 7th Antonio and I are no longer together.

Let's go back to Tuesday August 5th - Antonio's birthday. Things were going great. We had a lunch at this Japanese restaurant near the job. It was a pretty good turn out. Must've been about 12 people. I met a good friend of his, Lady "L", (an older woman he's known for years). Anyway, after lunch, it was work as usual and the evening was going to be a romantic one. Toward the end of the day around 4:30 or so, I can an email from Antonio saying he's feeling a little "out of sorts" and wanted to be alone and let's meet up on Thursday instead. I immediately thought something was wrong. With my co-workers coming in and out of my cube, it's hard to write back in private. I went to an empty conference room and called my mother to see if she could stay with my son on Thursday instead of Tuesday. This worked for both of us. She was going out this evening and that ensured I had a babysitter for Thursday. Then I realized it was just as well, it's closer to the weekend and I have something planned that will be really good. After work, I asked if he was okay, he said yeah, just feeling the 'birthday blues', and wanted to chill by himself. We rode the train home and everything seemed fine. At his stop, he turned to me as if 'aren't you coming?'. I told him I was going home and that Thursday was cool with me. He looked and I figured, it's his birthday. I told him, I'd walk him home, then go home from there. We got to his house and it was late (probably 7:30). He asked if I would walk the dog while he freshened up. I told him that I was going home and if we could wait til Thursday. Even at that point, I thought all was okay. He said he was going to the supermarket to pick up a few things and would drop me off at the corner. In the car he asked me why I wasn't staying, I told him that I wasn't upset anymore and that after we talked, Thursday was okay. He took it as it's his day, why didn't I alter what I was doing to spend it with him. At first I was on the defense. I was upset that he didn't see that I wanted to make Thursday our special day. (mistake #1) From there is when it all went bad. We started arguing. He passed by the supermarket and drove me home. Upset at not having him see my point, the arguing intensified. He overtalked me, shouting, and I threw out "All you like to do is f*cking argue!". (mistake #2) Then it got uncomfortably silent. We didn't say another word until he dropped me off. I said 'goodnight', without looking back and stormed upstairs. I was steaming. Afraid to say something I would regret, I didn't call him that night. (mistake #3) The next day didn't make things any better. I was unable to concentrate. I couldn't eat. Had trouble sleeping the night before. It was bad. All day I was hoping to run into him-I didn't. By the next evening it was eating away at me. I texted him a simple "good night", to which I didn't get a reply-I didn't expect one. By the next morning (today), I couldn't take it. I called his job #-no answer. I called his cell #-no answer. I sent him an email-it took a while, but he responded. I asked if we had lunch to talk. He said no, he was going to the gym. I sent him a response asking to talk after work. He responded to me saying he would spare 10 minutes on the corner of our building. I arrived first, he shortly after. What was supposed to be a 10 minute conversation lasted about an hour sitting in front of some building. I opened the conversation by saying, "What happened?". He looked at me as if to say, 'What?'. Then the words started flowing... All the mistakes (as outlined above) came into play. I could almost feel all the insecurities he was feeling in that moment. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...was I that 'self-absorbed' (as he said I was) that I should have done everything in my power to accommodate him on Tuesday because it was his birthday?-I should have. The next words crushed me like a pile driver. He said, "...well you don't have to worry about it anymore..." I knew exactly what those words meant, but I had to hear him say it. He said it was over. My heart almost leapt from my chest, my hands grew cold and I couldn't breathe for a minute. He said it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I know I have a temper, and so does he. He is right on one account, I should have done whatever he wanted to because it was his day. I took that from him.
When I asked for another chance-he shot it down with a "no". I asked him to let me prove it to him. Again he said "don't bother".

I don't want it to be over. I am so in love with this man, it's unbelievable. The pain-unbelievable. What's really painful is that we're not together and he really thinks that I used him and chose him second. He doesn't believe he came first in my book. Yes, I have my son and he's the most important person in my life, but so is my man. And I've told him that. Obviously not in the same ways, but each very much important. He feels that he somehow lost himself in our relationship and in order to reclaim himself, he had to end 'us'. I see it us not being in the same 'place'. He's been out at an early age and had time to come to grips with his sexuality and is comfortable in his skin. I'm just now coming out and all this is new to me. Where has he's had over 20 years to be settle in, I'm just getting there. I need to grow into my skin where I'm comfortable.

We have that vacation planned in a couple of weeks. He said he would go, but rent his own car, we can share the house (there are four bedrooms), but he would not go to any of the parks with us. Right now the pain is unbearable and if I weren't at work I don't know what I'd do, but as always no one at work is privy to my private life, so I'm smiling through the pain. They say time heals all wounds and that may be true. But I have to get to that point. I'm not there yet. No way near there yet.

In my heart, I don't want it to be over. It's clear he does. This man feels like I used him, had no regard for him and never considered his feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm so head over heels for him it's ridiculous. What I don't understand is yes, he did a lot for me and I appreciated everything he did and let him know it. But everything he did was thrown in my face. It felt like he was just waiting for a chance to be able to say that. Like I did nothing for him. Like I expected it. He doesn't know how I planned on having 'the talk' with my son about our relationship to make it a smooth transition when we moved in togther to be a family. It was going to be a big surprise! I guess the surprise was on me. Now that isn't going to take place. If there were some way I could turn back the hands of time, I would right to August 5th and do things differently-but i can't. This is what is called as a 'life lesson', I suppose. Then how come I feel like I don't have a life? The reason I feel so lost is because not only did I lose the love of my life, I also lost my best friend.

To top off the day, as I walk through Grand Central Station to go home, what songs plays on my iPod? Out of the over 2400 songs that I have, Mariah Carey's If It's Over blasts through the ear piece. Great. You know I wanted to slam that iPod on the ground, right? Irony? Nah, it's God's way of letting me know he has a sense of humor. I smiled and went on my way, watery eyes and all.

Again I ask the question, what do you do when your heart is crying?