Green Eyes

This was actually from a couple of weeks ago (week of July 21st)

The summer is definitely here! This is the second week that temparatures soared well into the 90s! After eight days of intense heat, tomorrow its supposed to cool down....what a relief!

Today's entry has nothing to do with the weather. Today's entry has everything to do with good old fashioned jealousy. Well....more insecurity about myself. Antonio actually gets out a monthly newsletter for his department at work. Every month someone new is featured. We always bounce ideas off each other and he wanted me to critique what he had written so far. This month he featured someone that we both know. An acquaintance of his. He knows him better than I. I actually met this person through Antonio. Now before I go any farther, I'm not at all threatened by him, but yes I am a bit jealous. Let's take it back. Antonio knew this guy (let's call him Archie) way before I was in the picture. At first Antonio believed him to be gay and has flirted with him in the past. Archie responded he was flattered, but that he's straight. (I think he's bi and has dabbled before. He is from San Francisco. Not that that means anything...I'm just saying.) All in all, they're acquaintances and sometimes go to after work spots (not together) but with others in a group. So they're very much aware of each other. All this to say Antonio introduced me to him shortly after we became serious and gave me the background, so I was in the know. Now the reason the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head is because in the newsletter, he gave a little background on Archie where he went to school, where he grew up, and a line I read went something like this. "...the muscle-bound teenager, found his way to playing football..." Now I know some of you are like, what the...? But it was the choice of words that I found odd. Why not say "...the sports-minded teenager...", or "...always a lover of sports...", but no this wasn't the case. To me I'm thinking this dude's muscles are on your mind. Now to go in further, Archie has a nice body. He's naturally muscular and tone with no working out (dont'cha just hate people like that?? LOL) Now I wasn't a raving lunatic, but I did make that observation and mentioned it to him. He immediately came back and said he would change it, because if I picked it up, others would too. Honestly I'm okay with it, I told him, but he insisted on changing it. This did make me wonder why I reacted the way I did. Then it hit me. This heightened my insecurities. I haven't been going to the gym as I should and while I'm not fat, I'm not skinny either. I feel I'm a good weight, but I would LUV to tone it up! Like Cher said in the old 90s Bally's commercials, "Hey if it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body!". Let's face it, we would. This let me know I have to stop being lazy and commit to bettering myself. I can't very well whine about the way I look and not do something about it. I know what I want, now I have to make a change to get to look the way that I see in my head. Antonio is good at reassuring me that he loves the way that I am an I'm perfect for him. He says he's in it for the long run and I believe him. But this issue is mine and mine alone. While I appreciate him saying that, I want to be comfortable with myself and so I work on this for me. I've got to keep on my hustle to keep my self confidence.

I have no doubt that Antonio loves me. I love him with all my heart. But the gym can't hurt and my new eating lifestyle will also change. If he loves me now he'll, love me later. He'll reap the rewards. ;-) I want to be all I can be for my man. I mean really, don't we all wish we were the only ones that our significant other's look at? Let's be realistic. There's always gonna be someone out there who looks better, is taller, has curlier hair, has a better smile, more muscular etc. What we can do to combat that is keep ourselves tight and on point. Although our significant others may look, we're so together and got it going on, they'll know what they have at home is far better that what's out in the streets!

I'm actually glad this happened. It just made me realize, never to get sloppy and lazy. Sure I may not work out everyday and yes, I may order that cheeseburger and fries every once in a while, but that won't be everyday and the gym will be incorporated into my everyday life. By the end of the day I was ok. I realized my man was only human and its normal. This was a bit of reality to keep myself in check.

Whoever said writing was therapuetic knew what they were talking about. Sitting here writing this has slowly but surely turned my eyes from green back to brown. I wonder if anyone would agree it's okay to be jealous and recognize it as a healthy emotion, so long as we don't get too caught up in it!