Reflections of a love that used to be
Reflections of the love you took from me
I'm all alone now, no love to shield me
Trapped in a world that's a distorted reality
That's how I'm feeling. Life without, Antonio is distorted somehow. Not real. I'm in new and uncharted territory, but I must press on. Everything happens in stages... so I'm told. Went to bed at 10:30 PM last night only to toss and turn and finally wake up at 2:25 AM, I began surfing the internet and came across this. Very interesting. I didn't get back to sleep until 4:00 AM - but it was worth it. (HAVE TO WARN YOU, IT'S A BIT LENGTHY!)
There are several stages in a relationship. Let's review:
1) The Honeymoon - According to love songs and fairy tales, this stage is what love is supposed to be like. You meet, you connect, you fall in love. Everything seems right. Even if some things don't seem right, you are full of hope they will work themselves out.
The joy: You feel more alive, more in touch with life, beauty, joy, spirituality, and yourself. You feel exhilarated, or at least excited. You have fun. These are wonderful feelings and should be celebrated and enjoyed.
2) The Discovery - During this stage, the initial excitement of being together is subdued so you can actually discover who the other person really is. You and your partner begin to discover each other's quirks and neurosis, and you uncover things that bug you about each other. You also begin to discover what you truly love and respect about one another. Your communication should deepen to a soulful level, where you begin to open up to each other.
The joy:You are close enough to be able to glimpse the other person, his or her vulnerabilities, beauty, even quirks - which you may think are cute. Seeing evidence that you've chosen the right person, as well as in deep communication and budding emotional intimacy.
3) The Commitment - This is the stage most singles fantasize about - the place where the relationship is settled, you know you are together, and you can finally relax. This is the stage most couples try to rush into and arrive at too soon. It is a wonderful stage, but rather than an end process, it's only the beginning. In may ways, a relationship does not truly begin until a couple commites to each other.
The joy: The joy is the sense of having arrived and no longer having to strive to win your partner. The joy is in the discovery of who your partner is when committed to you, because commitment brings out a change in the behavior of each person. The joy is having someone to watch movies with, cook dinner with, hang out with and do ordinary things with. The joy is having a person you love to share a life with.
4) The Power Struggle - This is the stage at which most couples split up. The power struggle can be a gut-wrenching, painful place for a couple to be. This can be a time of arguments or silence, a time that truly tests the couple's love. Couples at this stage wonder how they got here since it can come on unexpectedly out of nowhere. This stage can start as soon as the commitment is solidified - when the couple makes a deep commitment, gets married, moves in together. It can last until the couple breaks up, or for many years. Or the couple can find a way to work through this stage and move into the next stages of the relationship.
The joy: There is not much joy in this stage. The joy may be in the periods when you are not power struggling and are enjoying each other's company.
The stumbling block: There are two prime stumbling blocks. One is that when couples get to this stage they do not realize it is a normal stage for all relationships, and that they can get through it. Instead, the couple thinks something is wrong - perhaps they are no longer compatible or they no longer love each other. The second stumbling block is that the couple can get stuck in t his stage, with one or both partners unwilling to move forward. This will eventually wear the relationship down until there will be nothing left. There are no simple solutions to a power struggle in a relationship. It's a complicated phenomenon that is inevitable. But it is resolvable. If you love each other, it is worth time and energy to resolve it. After all if you don't do it this relationship, it will just happen in your next relationship.
At this point in your relationship you will follow one of two tracks. A couple who has negotiated the power struggle successfully will follow Track One. A couple who did not negotiate the power struggle successfully will follow Track Two.
Track One: After the power struggle is resolved
5) Growth - It takes a lot of soul searching, self-discovery, intimacy work and deepened communication to break out of a power struggle and move beyond it. Now both partners must grow emotionally for the relationship to thrive. Those who are committed to their relationship do grow, no matter what may be required of them. Think of this period as your second chance to create the relationship you have always wanted with a partner you have always wanted to be with. Growth can be terrifying and confusing. You may know what you need to change in your behavior, but you may be afraid to make the changes or you may have no idea how to make the changes. The same thing may apply to your partner.
The joy: The joy is in the results of the growth. The more each of you grows, the more intimacy you are able to share with one another. The more intimate you become, the more in love you become.
6) The Second Honeymoon - It's not that there will never be hard work or hard times again, but you have reached a new stage in your relationship - a stage where you cherish and treasure each other, appreciate the good, and accept the bad. You have bonded, connected, joined. Now this is what love is all about. This stage starts sometime after the power struggle is over and can be intermittent or ongoing. In the best scenario it will last until the end. Remember what brought you to this wonderful place and keep tending to your relationship by continuing to develop yourself and your relationship.
The joy: It is almost all joy - the joy of connection at a level yo uhave dreamed about. It is a joy to share your life with your partner in a deep way.
7) "The Child" - A "child" can be a real child or it can be an idea, business, or passionate involvement on which both of you are focused. This can be as simple as the value you place on living your life as a couple, or as intricate as being involved in a cause or a political campaign.
The joy: The joy is in sharing a third entity you created together or are both passionate about. The joy is learning and working together. The joy is also seeing different aspects of each other as you get passionately involved in the "other" entity.
The stumbling block: The stumbling block will be learning to work together and becoming a team. It can be hard to share responsibility. Often both partners will think their way of doing something is THE right way. Make the job of "parenting" and teamwork easier on the relationship, learn to communicate, work together, negotiate, compromise and deal with disappointment effectively.
8) Life Crisis - Very few people live a charmed life without crises. Whether it is a job or career change, or a move to a new city or country, change feels like a life crisis. It could be the declining health or a sudden illness of your partner or another loved one, it can become a crisis. If your property or financial situation is threatened, dealing with the issues can feel like a life crisis. If you have far too many demands on you and not enough time or space to fulfill them, you may feel as if you in a life crisis. What affects you deeply affects your relationship. As much as possible, stay connected. Crises can be a time of increased tension, irritability and frustration. It's easy to fall into the trap of taking tension out on your partner. At the same time, your expectations of your partner may be higher at this time, while he or she may be less available to respond to you. This can cause relationship-damaging resentments.
The joy: If there is joy in a life crisis it is that by now you should be able to mobilize quickly as a team to deal with whatever situation arises. Often there is also a deeper bonding that occurs in crisis - and that can be a nourishing kind of joy as well.
Beyond Stage 8: Life Happens -What happens after your relationship has touched on all eight stages? Life happens to a more matured, seasoned, happy and vibrant couple. You move together and separately through your life when you need to connect and when you need time apart. You know how to meet each other's needs and seek increasingly deeper connection. Your relationship is the rock, the wellspring of love in your life.
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Couples who do not negotiate the power struggle successfully will follow Track Two:
Track Two: The aftermath of unresolved power struggle
5) Anger - If the power struggle is not negotiated successfully, at some point one or both partners give up struggling. They do not give up on the issues, however, or on their needs or their positions. They simply give up struggling. Because nothing has been resolved during or after the power struggle, they only have one choice - anger. Anger can look obvious and belligerent, or quiet and passive. Either way, it is unmistakable.
The joy: There is no joy in anger.
The stumbling block: One or both people can be depressed, numb and miserable - a difficult place from which to effect change. This stage can kill a relationship. This is one of the stages where people tend to have affairs.
6) Peace with a price - Even anger can burn out after a while, leaving behind nothing but silence and often indifference. The couple, if they have made it together this far, will typically live parallel but separate lives. They will stil interact on necessary issues, such as child rearing and household responsibilities, but will share little else. They will finally have peace, no longer demanding anything from the other, but love and passion may be all but lost.
The joy: At least there is peace.
The stumbling block: One or both partners may have built too much of a separate life to allow for change and improvement. If you are at this stage and miserable, get help. There may still be hope, but you will not be able to make changes without help.
7) "The Child" - A "child" can be a real child or it can be an idea, business, or an involvement both people share. For a couple on track two such involvement or an actual child is rarely a choice. It is either something that binds them together out or circumstances, or it is something oen partner devised in an attempt to keep the other one from leaving or straying too far.
The joy: The joy is the actual entity you create together, especially if it is a child. This third entity holds the hope for changing your relationship dynamics.
The stumbling block: A child, or mutual involvement, will not save the relationship without addressing the deeper unresolved issues from the power struggle. Work through the underlying, unresolved issues in your relationship. You guessed it - in order to negotiate this stage successfully you have to go back and resolve the power struggle.
8) Life Crisis - Very few people live a charmed life without life crises. When your relationship is in ongoing crisis, actively or silently, chagne of even small magnitude can feel like a life crisis. True life crisies, such as health or financial issues can be downright overwhelming.
The joy: If there is joy in a life crisis it is the chance to shake your relationship up, and perhaps remind each of you how important the other one is or used to be. It may be your last chance to save your relationship.
The stumbling block: Because you are already in crisis, any additional crisis runs a risk of immobilizing you. You may no longer be able to function within the relationship. You or your partner may simply leave. Take this opportunity to support each other and reconnect. In order to do this genuinely, you must still resolve all of the unresolved issues between you. This is difficult when there is a life crisis looming, but necessary if the two of you will survive as a couple.
Beyond Stage 8: Life Happens, But Separately - What happens to a couple who never resolves the power struggle? They may go their separate ways. They may stay together but effectively live separate lives, and be involved in other relationships. One or both may stay and suffer silently, holding on to the hope that something will change. If you are in this stage, you need to learn to make yourself happy regardless of your relationship status. You need to learn how to deeply take care of yourself and how to work through all of the negative feelings leftover from years of struggling in your relationship.
Whew! Sorry. See what insomnia does to you? If you've read this, hopefully you'll take something useful from it and apply it to your own relationship. If you have something good, something worthwhile. Work on it. In this day and age, with relationships being what they are, it's worth the fight.
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