The Intro

I've been thinking about writing a blog for some time now, but never got around to it. I didn't know where to go. Didn't know what to write about. At first I was scared, but then I began thinking, what was there to be scared about? I figured it was an easy way to throw some ideas around and get some honest feedback - favorable or not. I needed honesty. And here it is: Sunday, February 24, 2008 - (Oscar night) is the debut of my blog.

Where do I start? Well I'm a mid-thirties African American male living in New York City. I have a good job. Loving family, good friends and in a steady relationship. We've discussed living together and being with each other for life. So what's wrong? Why am I so scared? Let me give you some background...

In my current relationship I'm seeing this attractive,bright, sexy guy. We've been together seriously for about 9 months or so, and known each other for about two years. It started off as just a booty call, but has slowly progressed into something special. It takes me a while to really let people "in". I have issues when it comes to taking people serious. Because I've been played before, I've become somewhat hardened, but I'm no fool. If someone is really and truly all about me, I'm not about to throw it away with both hands. And that's where my man comes into place. He's proven to me time and time again, how he feels about me and that he loves me. Truly, unconditionally and I decided to bite the bullet and let him in. The last several months we've learning each other and really knowing one another. From family, to our pasts and everything in between. My man is a fascinating guy. He knows a lot about me: That I've been married before (yes to a woman) and she hurt me bad. That's not to say that she turned me onto men, because I've always been attracted to men...and I've always been attracted to women. Before being with my wife I was in a serious relationship with a guy for about 2 years. We lived together and everything. My family thought we were roommates, but I'm sure they had their ideas. I've always had a rule though...if I get involved (seriously involved) with either one, then I don't f*ck around on them. That includes seeing someone of the same OR opposite sex. It's just not right. My closest friends know about me. I like to say that i like apples (women) and oranges (men). Why choose? As long as no one gets hurt and everything's on the table. Eat, drink and be merry.

About four years ago, I was really sowing my wild oats. I was meeting people (men & women - all safe of course!) left and right, hooking up and having sex. I was NOT into relationships. That was for the weak. All I wanted was the skins. I was hooking up during the week, the weekends, after work. I had developled a hard shell from my marriage, that I cut all ties with the living. I didn't want to get involved for fear of getting hurt. For about a year after the marriage ended, I kept to myself, went to work, hung out occassionally with my good friends and came home. Then like one day, I "snapped" out of it. I was introduced myself with the World Wide Web and discovered dating sites. It was there that I discovered the world of hook-ups. My hook-ups weren't only limited to the internet, I met people on the trains, on my lunch hour, Barnes & Noble, you name it I met them. It was like I was a magnet and pulling in all sorts of people. I always felt like a late bloomer. When most of my friends were doing this in their twenties, I was still that shy nerd. It wasn't until I was 21 that I lost my virginity (to a woman). I was 23 or 24 when I had my first sexual encounter with a man (not including a rape when I was 16). To finally be "out there" and having my pick of men, women, Black, Asian, Latin, I was having a ball and enjoying every minute of it. The sex was great and no one was looking for anything permanent, so it all worked out. Everyone was happy. This continued for about a year-Meeting people, having sex, etc. I had a few regulars, but it was always exciting to meet someone new and have that first encounter. In the midst of my "fun", I started to miss that belonging to someone. Having that one person genuinely care for me and I for them. I missed being a couple. It was during this time that I started seeing my current boyfriend on a regular basis and we started talking and sharing. Next thing you know we were together. It felt odd at first, as I'm not completely "out" and he is. In fact that caused a little friction between us, but we talk about everything. Communication is key. He knows where I'm coming from and I know where he's coming from. My family is still not aware of my beau, but soon will be. I've always been worried about what other people will think. What other people will say. How they will judge me, etc. I can't be bothered about that. I'm getting older and I have to live for me. I only have one life to live and I'm going to live it and be happy. I've given myself a time period to slowly let the cat out of the bag and let my close family members know about my man and myself. It's becoming serious and we've discussed moving in together. I want my family to know that I'm still the same person that's always been there for everyone. Now it's their turn to be there for me. If they can't handle it, then I have no time for them. I want to be in love and to do that, I know I have to be vulnerable, show my weaknesses. I have to have an 'achilles heel'. I have to be happy in my life and I have to be true to me and my son. Oh...did I mention that I have a child from my previous marriage? I have custody (looooooooong story). Shortly after we broke up, I sold the apartment we were living in and we went our separate ways. I cant' imagine my life without my son. He's my life, my world.

This is my life and you only get one life to live. And only I can live it. I will be happy. I deserve to be happy. Well more to come.